Heaven

The mirror shows a stranger’s gaze,
A shape I wish I could erase.
My eyes, too deep, my skin, too pale,
A story whispered on the gale
Of flaws I count, and then again,
A constant, aching, inner pain.
My hair, a tangled, drab despair,
A burden that I have to bear.

My voice, a sound I cannot stand,
It grates and echoes through the land
Of my own mind, a jarring tone,
A melody I don’t condone.
And when I laugh, it feels untrue,
A hollow sound, I wish anew
I could just hide, and disappear,
To silence every single fear.

My heart is heavy, filled with dread,
For every thought inside my head
Is twisted, dark, and full of scorn,
As if from pain, I have been born.
My very soul, a weary thing,
No joy or comfort does it bring.
My personality, a shade,
A broken promise, poorly made.

I hate this life, this breathing form,
This constant, never-ending storm.
Each morning breaks, a heavy sigh,
Another day I long to die.
To close my eyes, and find release,
And finally discover peace.
To simply cease, to turn to dust,
And break this binding, bitter trust.

The way they look, the words they say,
They cut me deeper every day.
I feel their thoughts, a silent weight,
A judgment sealing up my fate.
They speak, they smile, but in my mind,
Only harshness do I find.
I hate the way they see my soul,
A story I can’t quite control.

So sensitive, a fragile leaf,
Each little breeze brings crushing grief.
I take each word, so deep inside,
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
A simple joke, a careless phrase,
Can send me through a lonely maze.
This tender heart, it aches and bleeds,
And plants a thousand bitter seeds.

I just want all this pain to end,
To see the light, around the bend.
To truly vanish, soft and slow,
Where shadows of my hatred go.
To feel no more, to simply rest,
And put my spirit to the test
Of quietude, of sweet release,
A broken heart, finding its peace.

Yet, in this dark, a gentle light,
My friends, my love, so strong and bright.
They stand beside me, close and true,
Through all the bitter, painful blue.
They give their love, so warm and free,
A kindness I can barely see.
How can I hold them, cherish, keep,
When hatred in my spirit sleeps?

How can I love them, deep and vast,
When self-contempt is built to last?
My heart is split, a fractured stone,
So full of love, yet so alone.
I know they’d hurt, they’d mourn and weep,
If in the endless dark I’d sleep.
Their sadness, heavy, I can feel,
A wound that time could never heal.

I'm Done

In the quiet hours, when the world feels vast,
I sit alone, trapped in shadows cast.
Each breath a burden, each heartbeat a sigh,
I’m done with the struggle, the endless goodbye.

Life's tapestry frays, threads pulled and worn,
Dreams once vibrant, now tattered and torn.
I watch as the colors fade into gray,
And whisper to myself, “I can’t face another day.”

The laughter I cherished, now echoes in vain,
Each smile a facade, masking the pain.
I’m weary of battles, of fights I can’t win,
The light that once flickered is fading within.

I think of my friends, their laughter, their dreams,
And wonder if they, too, feel lost at the seams.
What if they struggle, what if they fall?
The thought sends a shiver, a chill through it all.

I’m done, I declare, but deep down I know,
I’m tethered to life, though I long for the glow.
The fear grips my heart, a vice made of doubt,
What if the end isn’t what it’s about?

Caught in this limbo, where darkness entwines,
I yearn for release, for the quiet confines.
But cowardice lingers, it holds me so tight,
I’m scared of the end, yet scared of the fight.

I’m done, yet I linger, in this painful embrace,
Haunted by questions, lost in the space.
I ponder the silence, the stillness it brings,
Yet fear the unknown that the darkness sings.

What if tomorrow brings a glimmer of hope?
What if I find strength in the way that I cope?
But doubt wraps around me like chains made of fear,
And I’m left with the thought, “Is there more to revere?”

I hold onto memories, the warmth of a friend,
The laughter we shared, the moments we penned.
Yet, trapped in this spiral, I can’t seem to see,
The beauty that blooms when I let myself be.

So here I sit, teetering on the brink,
Caught in the shadows, afraid even to think.
I’m done, I cry out, but my heart whispers low,
“Hold on just a moment; let the light in, let it show.”

I wish for the courage to face this dark night,
To reach out for help, to embrace the small light.
But until that time comes, I’ll keep walking the line,
Between done and the hope that perhaps I’ll be fine.

Everything is Fine...

In the mirror’s gaze, a fractured soul,
A life on the edge, losing control.
Whispers of chaos swirl in my mind,
A disaster waiting, no peace to find.

I wear a smile, but it’s paper-thin,
Beneath the surface, the turmoil spins.
Grateful for friends who stand by my side,
Yet deep down inside, it’s hard to confide.

I’ve danced with shadows, sought to escape,
In desperate moments, I forged my own fate.
An overdose planned, a heart’s final plea,
But fate held me back; I’m still meant to be.

A noose in the dark, a silent wish,
But the grip of despair led to an empty abyss.
I burn my skin in a futile quest,
To feel something real, to quiet the unrest.

Each night brings tears, a river of pain,
Sleepless hours, as I question my name.
The scars of my past, etched deep in my heart,
A canvas of torment, where hope fell apart.

Abuse I endured, the shadows that creep,
In silence I carry the secrets I keep.
Each memory haunts, a ghost in my dreams,
A cycle of anguish, unraveling seams.

I hate what I see, the reflection I dread,
A heart filled with sorrow, too heavy to shed.
Yet in this turmoil, my friends shine like stars,
Guiding me gently, despite all my scars.

But gratitude falters when I look within,
For the battles I’ve faced, the wars I can’t win.
A disaster unfolding, a life full of strife,
Yet somehow I linger, still fighting for life.

So here I stand, on the brink of despair,
Clinging to hope, though it feels so rare.
Everything is fine, or so I pretend,
But deep in my heart, I’m searching for mend.

Me. Oh I'm totally not lonely. I have 3 people who love and care about so me that's enough right..? I'm just being selfish. Three people is better than no one.
I'm so tired. I'm running off of 72 hours without sleep because I can't get my insomniac self to sleep at night. I just gave up entirely on trying to sleep.
I'm just tired and scared. I'm tired of myself and I'm scared because I feel alone. I don't like being alone. I'm scared. It's my biggest fear. (Other than rain, thunder and lightning)