circ

at least lars isnt here because then it would be a million times worse

ouh yeah its bad. like really bad this time

i just checked my notifs and beetle followed me and then? blocked me??? ok?
i may have missed something because genuinely when did raphael say anything racist???
im so confused dude. im 'defending a racist despite being left wing' look unless i missed something raph never said anything racist and if he did then show? proof? like a screenshot of something or other but otherwise like yeah im gonna defend my friend against allegations?
im just annoyed again because i thought beetle was cool and they're friends with a lot of my friends so i would have liked to be closer friends ig but apparently raph is racist and i defended him. genuinely when did this happen what happened when did he say anything racist
'performative leftism if you're against racism and defending a racist' please just show me genuine proof of raph being racist and i'll belive you all the way dude but right now it just feels like you're saying shit to say shit im ngl
this is my last post on this. just like. if you're going to accuse one of my friends have proof or an explanation at the very least please. raphael is my friend
sorry last post about this im just mildly annoyed. i liked beetle and i wanted to be friends

and curosis just reposted that and said some 'person blocked your friend for a reason don't jump to conclusions' dude. have you seen? a reason given? has beetle given a reason?????? i didn't see one and w no proof it's like? obviously im going to be choosing my friend over a mutual?
im not posting this on my main cause i don't wanna start more stuff im just annoyed
like you can block for petty reasons if you want but if you blocked my friend because of a petty reason im going to like you less? sorry?????

like Oh That Not that's my friend. i don't really Appreciate that you blocked him. for like no reason he did nothing wrong. if you didn't like him you could have just Not Interacted
lowk going to unfollow that person because that's Not. It's Just Not

"i don't think i have many triggers!"
the humble noise of keys jingling that is only Vaugley reminiscent of my father carrying his keys around on his belt making me go completely into a dissociative state:

🥹 god damn not everything is about me im looking too much into it 🥹 bro who am i kidding i would be lucky to experience actual love even if it was only for a while 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 nvm might delete this later ngl

every time a situation happens i think to myself
wwow,,, i am so good at being a Person. i make good statements and i am not evil,,,,,,,,,, i cannot feel anything towards this but i know it is bad and horrible that it happened and i am glad i said the right things to convey enough care across even though i do not personally feel it me when im a better person than anyone in my family despite not being able to feel empathy

everyone in this house hates each other.
screaming happens daily at the smallest of things. i can't count the amount of times ive heard my family threaten each other. melissa has what i call a "monthly crashout" where she has a meltdown, restricts something or imposes a new rule, and then it goes back to normal in about a week. my older sister has "LEAVE M" carved into the front of her room door. i guess she never got to finish it. i also remember vaguely her door was taken off by my parents once. we have one of those signs "remember, as far as anyone knows we are a nice normal family" and i have to look at it everyday. it feels like it's mocking me.
would a nice, normal father threaten to hit my siblings if they didn't stop talking? would a nice, normal mother threaten to take away everything meaningful to me if i didn't keep up my grades? would a nice, normal younger sister steal my things and use anything i told her against me? would a nice, normal older sister break down at me and yell when i asked if she was okay?
i hate it. i hate how dysfunctional and horrible living here is.
"a nice, normal family" as if we've ever been nice or normal. normal families don't act like this.

i think if im not moved out of this fucking house by 18 i would rather be dead in a ditch somewhere /gen

"hey i have a bad grade in one of my classes because i cannot get myself to do the work if i am not physically there, i can do the work but it's like my brain is paralyzed, i cant manage to get myself to actually do it, both reward systems and taking things away don't work and i don't know what to do."

what could i possibly do to help my child in this situation? i know! i'll threaten to take things away from them even though they just said it doesn't help, and i'll tell them they're going to turn out to be a disappointment! there is no way i could possibly sit down and talk with them to figure something out, surely!

"i don't want to be the bad guy" then why are you. why do you instantly go towards the worst option. why does it feel like you hate me.

my worst fear is that i'll never be able to leave this house because of my dependancy. i don't know how to drive, i don't have a job, i can't cook, do laundry, i can't do anything for myself, and even if my friends say i can move in with them or that they can teach me im scared that i'll be so incompetent that they'll eventually get tired of me.

"i don't think im going to school today" oh? you can do that? you're allowed to do that after missing all of last week? okay
so you can just do that. but i have to text her and apologize and get permission and listen to her tell me she's disappointed in me and that im only allowed to stay home for one day, two is pushing it. okay. but you can miss an entire week and be okay to miss another day. okay bro. and she "doesn't have favorites"

wait highkey really glad i made this list. my brain lowk cant gaslight me as much anymore /thankful

my brain likes to gaslight me into thinking i feel safe in my home so im writing down everything i can think of that i do in my house to hopefully stem down those thoughts and admit to myself i am uncomfortable living here. so here's some 'rules' i abide by in my house

- do not go downstairs past 9pm, only do so if absolutely needed
- don't look at the cameras. don't acknowledge them
- on the first section of steps avoid the last two ones, they creak loudly, have nothing in pockets because they fall out easily while stepping over
-step on sides of lower steps on bottom section of stairs they can creak loudly too
- listen before going downstairs, also go a little way down and bend over as much as you can to see if anyone is there, especially useful if lars is there since he sits in plain view, be careful though since melissa is quieter
- they hate lying. if anything do not let them onto the fact you're lying.
- they will almost never follow through with things, remember that, use it to your advantage
- remember where the keys to the fridge and freezer are kept in case of a melissa crashout
- melissa forgets easily, lars not so much
- do not trust them with anything they could possibly use against you (especially melissa. she is more open than lars but just as bad.)
- when melissa has her monthly crashout, avoid for as long as possible
- when lars and maddy fight, stay out of the way and distract yourself. do not listen. she will be crying after, best to leave her alone though.
- don't remind melissa of things you've asked her to do too much, she will refuse to do them if you do
- when possible avoid lars at all costs
- when nobody is home make sure to spend time downstairs for once
- if melissa has things on the tv, don't listen to it. it's either police bodycams or politics.
- don't point out anything to melissa. not the hipocrisy, not the narcissism, not the yelling or the hate, anything, she will be mad if you do
- never admit the full truth, chances are they'll hate it

there are a lot more but this is kinda just for myself so the next time i go "well living here isn't SO bad" i can look here and go "oh yeah it kind of is pretty bad"

he's one of my best friends and has been friends with me for years but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even try to understand me. im guilty of that too, though, so i guess it doesn't really matter

im sorry, okay? im fucking sorry im not a better friend. im trying my best. you told me how it felt like i was ignoring you and ive been making an effort not to go online as much during school. im sorry i don't understand im sorry i forget. im sorry i don't message back or if i word things wrong or if i accidentally ignore you because im trying my best and it feels like you aren't trying to see that. im trying.
/dirtoirl

can you not back off for once? sorry im trying to calm myself down. i dont feel good right now and i don't want to interact very much. sorry i don't want to give you my phone, i feel terrible right now, 'so do i' then surely you get it, surely you get why im not exactly okay with you taking it from me while i feel like this? why do you never take his phone, only mine? i always let you but this time i didn't and now you seem mad at me. what it is about my boundaries that you feel like you have the right to break just because we've been friends for longer?
i care about you but right now i really need to focus on myself because i care for you and i don't want to snap at you.
/dirtoirl

can it genuinely be considered abuse. nothing was ever physically done to me that i can remember
is it considered abuse. is it considered neglect.
its not like i had a horrible childhood from what little i can remember. its not like they hit me or anything.
but i didnt know how to tie my shoes until a year ago.
i dont know how to correctly use shampoo and conditoner. i didnt even know i was supposed to use bodywash until a while ago and am still trying to figure it out.
i dont know how to cook, i dont know how to do laundry, i dont know how do anything for myself.
im completely dependant on them.
i hate them but they arent outright abusive. and i wonder. does it even count then. it feels like my brain is overreacting to something that wasnt even that bad
what could have possibly happened to me to where i turned out like this?

i think. something really bad may have happened to me when i was younger. i just dont know what it is