Patch

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"and that's how I met your mother"
... how did you crop the post btw?

CHAPTER ONE: THE SINGULARITYBarnaby lived a life measured in metric tons. His world was a reinforced mattress, a custom-built fortress of steel beams designed to hold his massive, immobile bulk. While the world outside sped along, Barnaby remained anchored by gravity, his body an expanding continent of flesh, skin, and insatiable hunger.He didn't just eat food; he consumed space. He felt the pull of the Earth beneath him, but more acutely, he felt the Earth pulling towards him. His doctors called it a medical anomaly. Barnaby knew it was something else. It was destiny.One Tuesday, the floorboards gave way. But he didn't crash into the basement.Barnaby didn't fall. He began to attract.CHAPTER TWO: THE ORBITThe television set slid across the linoleum, anchoring itself to his colossal thigh. The reinforced steel beams of his bed snapped, wrapping around his midsection like a metal belt. He gasped, his lungs expanding to the size of sails, inhaling the entire atmosphere of his bedroom.The walls collapsed inward. Bricks, mortar, and roofing tiles swarmed his body, trapped in an inescapable gravitational pull. Barnaby was no longer just a man; he was a cosmic singularity. As his mass ballooned, he broke through the atmosphere—a mountain of flesh wrapped in the debris of his suburban neighborhood.In the vacuum of space, his hunger evolved. He no longer craved sugar or fat; he craved raw energy.CHAPTER THREE: THE LIVING WORLDHe swallowed the Moon like a jawbreaker, its cold, rocky core settling deep within his tectonic stomach. His skin hardened into a continental crust. His veins became rivers of glowing, pressurized magma. Barnaby’s consciousness expanded alongside his geometry. He became fully aware of the cosmos, feeling the cold vacuum of space tickling his polar caps.Centuries dissolved into the void. Barnaby’s form reached a stable celestial equilibrium, a majestic, swirling sphere of cosmic energy and matter, ringed by the shattered remnants of asteroids. He was no longer a prisoner of physical limitations; he was a fundamental force of the universe.He floated through the dark void, a living world. On his vast, mineral-rich surface, new atmospheres bloomed, and strange, microscopic alien civilizations began to thrive. They looked up at the starry sky, completely unaware that the world providing them warmth and stability was once a solitary dreamer named Barnaby who had reached for the stars and finally became one.

this is SO CUTIEEE OMG

Billy bob jones