* 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝓁𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 *

i miss you sometimes. talking to you, drawing with you, all three of us being friends. i miss that time, but i dont miss wondering if he was going to leave me for you. we were good friends and i wish it didnt end the way it did, but i guess it had to..

I really fucking hate jealousy.<3

What happens when you’ve only stayed because you don’t want to start over again?
What
Why do you still love me
You shouldn’t
You should’ve left
Maybe there’s a voice that pops into your head telling you that
But you ignore it
What happens when you stop ignoring it..?

When you realize I’m just as much of a horrible person as I said I was from the start.
I’m not someone you should love
Happy early anniversary because I won’t be here for it
I love you
I love you so so much Mylo

Why
I
Happy anniversary my love
Why have you stayed..
Why don’t you hate me..

What happens when you get tired of it?
Get tired of me
Of reassuring me
Telling me you're not gonna leave for the millionth time
What
Happens when you get tired of "forever and always"..?

Why
Why can I not just do it
I deserve it after all
The pain
After Everything I've done
All the lies and deception
I deserve
Pain
But yet my thighs are still clean
Why
Can't I
Do it
I deserve the burn of the alcohol in the wound

Remembering her getting in my face that night "fucking liar"
It's true
You know it's true
Yet you deny it
All
The
Fucking
Time.

Imagine making a literal post and being cocky about how you won another "big fight" that we both agreed we'd leave alone.
Smh

Hahaha about this again
Startin tk feel the same way j used to feel when him n s would talk bout him n a

Hahaha hhavwn
Ha
Haha
Losing it bro
It's so incredibly stupid
He's given you zero reason to doubt him
Nd you still do
Pathetic.

It
Feels so unreal
9 months
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUDISIGBSKUGSN
I mean
Sorry its like 12am and I'm losing my mind
I love him so much
I have no idea why he's stayed n continues to
But he does
And I'm so grateful for him

Late night wondering if he's gonna fall in love with a n leave me behind
(As much as I may start to worry about it now, he wouldn't Actually do it.. would he..?)

Ahahahhwhahahha it's so stupid
It's actually so damn stupid they're just friends
Must I be so dramatic over a friend of his
Haha..

Can't do it
Not even for her
Can't get up off my lazy ass and bear with it
For her
She's my mother
She's given me everything
And I cant even do these small things for her?
Not to mention I snap at her because I'm in a pissy mood and then cry about it after
Like I didn't do it to myself?
You're a horrible fucking daughter
Why do you do this to yourself.

Why are
Pictures
All I've ever been good for the only reason anyone ever stayed with me
Went through old messages
With
A lot of random guys
"Hi"
"Do u send"
"Ur hot"
"I just nxtted to your face"
"U got a nice body"
"I love u"
Everything
Qll the times i did it when they'd ask for pictures
No wonder I've been called a whxre
I
It's exactly what I am.
It's
All I am
All I'll ever be
Just the body of a whxre a million guys have seen.

Well
I don't know how to feel anymore
I just
Feel like I'm doing everything wrong
Like maybe I've fucked up so much there's no going back to the innocent kid I was at 2-3
Maybe he had fucked me up then already too

I can hardly enjoy listening to music, drawing, talking so someone
Not because I dont like doing all of those things but because weathr i acknowledge them or not
There's always the Thoughts swirling around in my head
The ones a can't control
The ones I get nightmares of when i sleep
I'm never free from them
Anywhoooo
I have fucking "therapy" at God knows when so yayaysysysyysysyayayayayaya

Not.

"Unspecified eating disorder"
Wow so you mean I'm so fucked in the head the professionals don't even know what's wrong with me? Nice

Does anyone else ever just genuinely not like the feeling of their body
Like
I'm ditting here scrolling on tiktok and I can't stand thr feeling of my hair touchjg me
So I put it up
And it's still uncomfortable
I that's not all either
I just
Randomly feel
Weird
And kinda like i genuinely wanna rip my skin off
Am I insane or-

RAHHH I I FINISHED IT IN LIKE 2 HOURS
3 MSYBE
4??@
FHSIGJSKGKSIXHAF IM SO FLIPFLAPFRICKFRACKIN TIRED BUT ITS SO WORTH IT BRO
AND THIS MAY BE A DAY LATE BUT I STILSUCCESS
II
I
I
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
HHHAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY
GSKGSIGOWJTJSIGKAHR
IM SOS SLEEP
SNED WEEWOO ABMULANCES

I'm a real perfect example of what his mother thinks of her son
She tells him he lays around doing nothing all day
No
In reality that's me.
I don't wash dishes
I hardly shower or brush my teeth
My "room"'s always a mess
And I blame it all on being fucking tired.
I have no reason to be tired.
Get the fuck over it.
Maybe we should switch parents
Maybe I should be stuck with someone like her
A duplicate of c almost
Maybe I wouldn't be so fucking disgusting if I was
I showered everyday or every other day while I was there
I cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms
Mopped and swept the floor
I
I was actually
Something
There
Maybe it was hell and maybe it gave me trauma
But
At least I wasn't fucking disgusting AND lazy.

I'd be better off dead
Than making a mess living and be too fucking lazy to clean anything up
Meanwhile everyone is busting their ass but me
Even him
His mother treats him like shit so he has to
But
At least he's not like me

He's
So
So much better than he'll ever know.

Sleep is all I need if I'm tired..
Right..?

I have issues with binge eating and told my mother which means she now feels the need to tell my step father to portion any and all food
SO
Tonight it's 1am and he still hadn't restocked my stuff
I hate asking for shit (especially food)
So I make an excuse with water
(Yes, literal water is portioned into two water bottles in the fridge a day -- maybe that sounds horrible but it's not I'm just picky and won't drink from a pitcher with a water filter for some reason..)
"Ssoooo are you ever gonna restock water or am I gonna dehydratr to death?"
Obviously in a joking tone
Like 20 minutes go by after i ask
Then I hear him finally go do it n he's slamming the fridge door and or aggressively tossing the food stuff out on the microwave
And now I'm not hungry anymore<3
Don't deserve to eat anyways.. don't know why I thought I did.
N I sure as hell don't now either since I'm being this dramatic about it
Yayaysya
It's almost 2am and I'm losing my mind
I'm so tired..
Tired of myself..
Why am I always the problem?
They've got court on the 19th with dcs Because of me
She's stressed about a dental appointment
For me
She's stressed about the sh, dcs, my "behavior" and every other little thing
Because of me
For fucks sake she practically compared me to a kid who beat his mom when he was 14
Am
Am I really that fucked up?
Maybe I am just like my dad.
Maybe I'm like both of them
Just as bad.
Just as fucked up.
And this is the girl he wants to marry..
Sigh.

I fear I follow too many masc women on my tiktok..
(No matter how yummy nummy licious the women are my husband still tops em bro
He's so
Hrhsifnsngoshs
I just Wanna eat him
And baby him
And be babied by him
And make babies with him..
I mesn wha
And for some weird reason I wanna take off his glasses before we go to sheep and kiss him on the nose/nuzzle noses)
RAHHHH MEN AND WOMEN
DROOLS

Yall in what world is taking away one of my only coping mechanisms and not listening when I say radio music does not have the same effect, gonna help me not cut